ANXIETY

OH THE THINGS THAT TROUBLE THE MIND.

The ability to literally feel every thought jolt and move through your mind causing jitters to run all the way down to your hands.

Rubbing your forehead in hopes that this will somehow help, but unable to find a sense of calm. Feeling the weight of every thought!

MAKE IT STOP!

Why am I finding myself here again?

Is this anxiety, is this weariness, is this fear, is this the result of being overwhelmed or a mesh of everything at once?

NO! I cannot allow myself to be consumed. I must command my thoughts to obey. I must command my body to be still!

STOP THINKING SO MUCH AND JUST LET GO!

God, help me. I know that I cannot do this on my own. Anytime that I attempt to do so, it backfires like a wrecking ball in my life. It starts in the little thoughts, then, it pours into my everyday thought processes.

It effects my zeal and vigor for life and I find myself in a rut of NOTHINGNESS. Completing nothing! Endless and loose ends left hanging weightlessly in the wind.

I must pick myself up, dust off, and start over.

I need a day off. I need to pull away. I just need to get away, fly away...NO!

See these are the very thoughts that cloud my mind along with every other thought that I woke up with up until this very moment. I feel like a ball bouncing off walls here...help me God! PLEASE!

Help me release this weight. I know that I have been in this fog for far too long. I cannot control my emotions. I cannot control my thoughts. I cannot control these tears that have welled up and are now rolling down my cheeks.

I want to be FREE! I want to escape this place of potential for GOOD! Please help me. Teach me.

My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak, fragile, and easily broken.

I do so much for everyone else, but fail to fill myself up with you. THIS is where I fall short. I am burned out with nothing left to give in this moment.

Fulfilling tasks for others has become a habit of reform, retribution, my escape. Not in a positive manner at all, but simply in my desire to run from SELF! I fill my days with projects and living my life through episodes of bad TV. People that are doing life completely wrong and have problems of their own.

ESCAPE PLACE. Where is this for me? Where is my secret place? Where is my place in life? Where is my purpose? Where is my life going? Where? Where? Where?

I am FED UP with being where I am, yet everyday…I fail to do better. I succumb to my own desires and my spirit fell asleep in the process. I want to be on fire for you God. FORSAKING ALL ELSE.

I want to walk confidently in who you have called me to be. Beyond what I have envisioned.

How do I get there? To true freedom. I don’t want to run. How do I regain the desire to seek you. Regain the desire to read my word. To be obedient, to pray, to fast? How? Where do I even begin? I feel like in a matter of days, I have lost my footing. I have hit this ground before and I am back again!

WHY? NO!

I WILL GET UP FROM HERE. I WILL WALK IN THE NEWNESS OF LIFE THAT GOD OFFERED TO ME A LONG TIME AGO. I WILL LAY MY LIFE OUT ON THE LINE FOR HIS WILL TO BE DONE IN MY LIFE. I WILL TAKE ON A NEW NAME. I WILL NOT BE BLINDED OR HINDERED DUE TO GENERATIONAL CURSES OR MANIFESTED CURSES OF NEW. I AM ALREADY HIS. I AM GOD’S DAUGHTER BY DESIGN. TODAY, I CONFESS MY WRONG DOINGS AND SHORT COMINGS. I CONFESS THAT I HAVE PUT PROJECTS, LIFE, RELATIONSHIPS, PAIN, DOUBT, FEAR, IN FRONT OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST. I CONFESS THAT I HAVE LOST MY LOVE, TRUST, AND OBEDIENCE FOR THE THINGS OF GOD…wow… I RID MYSELF OF THE PROJECTED THEORIES OF WHO I WILL BE OR WHO I SHOULD BE. I REFUSE TO START ANOTHER BUSINESS EMPTY. I REFUSE TO MOVE BEFORE HEARING WHAT GOD SAYS. I REFUSE TO DO MY OWN THING IN AN EFFORT TO “MOVE FORWARD” WHEN I MYSELF AM STIRRING THIS BOAT IN A CIRCLE. I AM GOING NO WHERE. WHAT I SEE OR PRODUCE IN THE PHYSICAL DOES NOT MATCH UP WITH WHAT I HAVE GOING ON INSIDE. IT IS TIME TO RELEASE THE OLD AND COMMAND, TRAIN, BUFFET THIS FLESH TO DO THE RIGHT THING EVEN WHEN THE HABITUAL PROCESS IS TO DO MY OWN THING. NO MORE!

NEWNESS OF LIFE COME FORTH!

REST COME FORTH!

PEACE COME FORTH!

GOD’S WILL FOR MY LIFE…COME FORTH!

SPIRIT MAN, RISE UP FOR YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS FLESH OF MINE!

GOD’S PURPOSE WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE!

I don’t completely understand the dreams that I have been having over the past couple of weeks, but the one with the horse continues to pop up in my mind.

Was I the horse? Limping down the narrow path, but running freely when it reached the open pasture.

Don’t look back…stay committed!